


Where we lie and everything dies...

by Mistress of Solitude (utterlyheartbroken)



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Coma, Dark, Drabble Collection, Gen, Hallucinations, Hospitalization, M/M, Romance, Sad, Spoilers for Anime fans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-12
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-17 03:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2295551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/utterlyheartbroken/pseuds/Mistress%20of%20Solitude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This a collection of Utakane/Utaken stories, ranging from different genres, and different ratings. Most of the themes will be dark, and sometimes just focusing on character introspective and stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tattoos | Tattooing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mmmrrrw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmmrrrw/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki has trouble looking away from Uta-san’s tattoos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: 4. tattoos / tattooing
> 
> Genre: Angst.
> 
> Character(s): Kaneki, Uta, and small mentions of other TG characters.
> 
> Rating: PG-13 (due to dark themes)
> 
> Warnings: Major Canonical Character Death.
> 
> Paring: Kaneki Ken/Uta (hints for this story)

Kaneki has trouble looking away from Uta-san’s tattoos.

 

He cannot help it, when his eyes linger on the intricate colors staining Uta-san’s pale skin. He wonders how long would they have taken if they’d been inked on human skin, and then wonders even more, because Uta-san is a ghoul, how much longer did Uta-san have to endure the pain of the needle going through his ghoul skin. He wonders if Uta-san had inked himself, and then wonders how Uta-san would have done such a thing. But every time his gaze lingers on one of the tattoos, Kaneki realizes he’s mesmerized. His gaze always manages to fall upon whichever tattoo Uta-san decides to show that day, and by the lack of complaining from the mask maker, Kaneki realizes that Uta-san doesn’t mind Kaneki’s eyes lingering.

 

Though when Uta-san’s eyes glance at Kaneki, the younger always finds himself blushing lightly, as he tries to escape the piercing of Uta-san’s Kagune eyes that always cause Kaneki to shiver, from fear or excitement Kaneki could never tell which. There’s something different about the way Uta-san watches Kaneki like he wants to uncover all of his secrets and keep Kaneki to himself. It bothers Kaneki that he wouldn’t mind the latter much, but the first does, because out of all the people he’s met, and known, his secrets are meant first for Hide, who’s always stayed by Kaneki’s side, and remained Kaneki’s sun.

 

He thinks if he were to ever get a tattoo, it’d be of a moon and sun, his mother and Hide. The moon to remind him of her kindness as it glowed beautifully, and the sun because Hide was bright as one, and chased away all his shadows of despair. He ignores the need for tattoos to remind him of his dead father, Rize, and the monster he’s become.

 

He lets the last thoughts die away with time, tattoos wouldn’t suit him much anyway, not like they did Uta-san.

 

He was too much of a coward anyway.

 

* * *

 

The younger ghoul realizes, he’s never asked the mask maker about the tattoo adorning his neck. He’d known it was Greek, having had a huge phase in which he’d been obsessed with Greek mythology.

 

It had been the bane of Hide’s first collage semester with Kaneki, because Kaneki wouldn’t stop reading about it nor blabbing about it to Hide, who had gotten bored by the third week. Though he’d never told Kaneki to stop talking, despite whining about Greek mythology seeming endless and much like a soap opera with an overdose of incest or that Kaneki had been giving inanimate objects more of his time than his best friend. His interest had stemmed from when one of his professor’s mentioned that they’d be delving into ‘Oedipus Rex’ for that semester, and that if they didn’t pay much attention that they’d probably fail the course, because 40% of their final grade was focused on only ‘Oedipus Rex’. Due to that obsession Kaneki had been able to read a bit of Greek, he never tried to read the words because if Uta-san wanted to tell him, he would.

 

And when Uta-san does, it’s also the day, when Uta-san tells him “You know Kaneki-kun, you _can_ call me Uta. I’d like to think we are friends, don’t you agree?” The freedom to discard the -san prefix means too many things to Kaneki, and it causes a feeling he’d kept locked away, to bubble up like an erupting volcano. It’s uncomfortable, realizing that he and Uta-san can now be considered friends, because it opens up the possibility of becoming something more than friends. It’s a possibility that terrifies Kaneki, because feelings were dangerous, they made you vulnerable, and weak.

 

It was also why Hide stopped calling him Ken after his mother died, because her voice uttering _"Ken, lunch is ready"_ or _"Ken, you’re such a brave boy, do you know that? You’re mummy’s strong boy."_ and even _"Ken, have a nice day at school today!"_ echoes like faded silhouettes and makes him feel like he’s drowning in something he’ll never get back, so he pretends that Ken died with her all those years ago. Kaneki thinks Hideyoshi understands this part of him too well.

 

But after Yomo-san calls him “Ken”, Kaneki begins to realize that maybe him turning into a ghoul is blurring all the lines in between ‘Kaneki’ and ‘Ken’. He doesn’t want to think that Yomo-san has realized the difference in both, because sometimes Kaneki cannot even tell where Kaneki started and where Ken ended. But Rize knows, yes, she always knows….and probably always will. After all, she’s helped mold this Kaneki, who no longer cries even when his arm is broken in more than 2 places.

 

 

> **"Nec possum tecum vivere, nec sine te."**
> 
>  
> 
> _"I can neither live with you, nor without you"._

  
The words are in Latin, which Kaneki had figured out after Uta-san had pointed at his tattoo. It wasn’t odd to finally learn their meaning, but rather a sad reminder of how Kaneki felt about both ghouls and humans in general. It didn’t stop the tattoo from becoming more beautiful in Kaneki’s eyes, after Uta-san had told him the meaning of those words. Kaneki thinks if Uta-san wouldn’t mind, he’d love to ask him someday, what caused him to get a tattoo of those words exactly.

 

That day as Kaneki leaves Uta-san…no-Uta’s shop, -the name without the prefix sounding odd even inside his mind- he knows he’s already given Uta something too precious to keep within himself. And when Uta’s fingers linger on his hair and the sides of his face, Kaneki knows the older will keep it. He realizes that telling Uta to call him Ken is something he doesn’t want to happen, not yet, and thinks that maybe, Uta understands Kaneki there.

 

This time, he’s resolute when murmuring “Goodbye Uta-san ”, since he’s letting go of a time in their relationship that he won’t get back. The tiny curve in Uta’s lips warms Kaneki’s guarded heart, and he returns it, even if it may look like a grimace now, since Kaneki no longer knows _how_ to be happy anymore, he thinks Uta would get it. When the cold yet hard fingers leave his, he quenches the tiny part of Ken that begs him to hold on and not to let go. After all, had already told him what he wanted to know, he needs his answers before his questions begin to increase instead.

 

* * *

 

When the ghoul investigator attacks him, Kaneki likes to think that if  Uta existed in a world where ghouls were human, that maybe they wouldn’t have met, which would have been a terrible shame. He wishes that neither Hide, Hinami, and Touka would be sad at his death, after all, he’d been so selfish in trying to keep them alive so he wouldn’t be alone. It’s ironic how in his last moments, he can finally be aware that he has become the hypocrite. He wonders if that’s what Tsukiyama was as well, a hypocrite who used his excuse of wanting to eat Kaneki for companionship he couldn’t find anywhere else. And hopes not, he doesn’t think someone as proud as Shuu should be sad that Kaneki will die, not even he feels sad that he’s dying. At least….not anymore.

 

The Rize inside his head doesn’t laugh, but she yells at him, and the fear that laces her words makes him smirk. Even in death, Ken strives to live where Kaneki just tries to survive. When her yells become sobs, and she turns into a younger him that still wanted to meet the father who died on him and his mother, Kaneki hurts as well.

 

He’s in so much pain that he’s numb to everything but the realization that he failed. He’d failed Hide’s last request, he’d failed living, and that he failed himself. Feeling the blood trickle down past his eyes, he wishes that if he were to die in this moment, that he had dared to ask Uta for a tattoo of a purple hyacinth, for everyone he let down, and everyone he’d never see again.

 

Maybe, this time, he’s ready for death, and ignores the memory of Uta smiling as his world begins to disappear, making even his pain seem fleeting. He wants to cry when he realizes that he’s gonna miss looking at Uta’s tattoos.

 

Kaneki whispers, softly. **"αντίο"**

_"Goodbye."_

 


	2. Subtle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki Ken likes to think of himself as a subtle person. Anyone who knows Ken can tell you that he isn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: 69. subtle
> 
> Character(s): Uta, Kaneki, Touka, & Yomo.
> 
> Genre: Romance, General.
> 
> Rating: PG
> 
> Warning(s): I don't know, maybe foreshadowing Uta's slightly dark character. This ignores most of the plot before the gourmet arc. So consider this an AU. Kaneki doesn't die and Pierrot doesn't exist.
> 
> Pairing: Uta/Kaneki

Kaneki Ken likes to think of himself as a subtle person. Anyone who knows Ken can tell you that he isn't.

 

Because when Kaneki crushed on Rize, both Touka and Hideyoshi could tell, the irony being that Touka who didn't even know Ken could see that fact, which also leads to the conclusion that Kaneki is a bit too obvious for his own good.

 

After his first meeting with Uta, Touka knew that Ken was scared of Uta, at least a bit, but what she wasn't sure of was if that was all that Kaneki had felt towards the mask maker. After the younger man had turned into a ghoul, he seemed to withdraw more into himself. A fact she was sure his human friend didn't enjoy, and one she was also learning to dislike as well. But when Uta places the mask on Kaneki's face, she can see the slight flush of Kaneki's ears turning a bright shade of red. She's not sure if Uta has noticed it yet, but when the tattooed hand lingers on the back of Kaneki's neck for a few seconds longer than necessary, she's _definitely_ sure. But as nice as Uta seems, Touka doesn't think he'd be ready for someone like Uta, at least, not yet.

 

Yomo notices when he brings Ken to meet Itori, when his eyes linger on Uta instead of Itori. And the sudden coloring of Kaneki's cheeks, as Uta greets him, is quite a cute sight, especially for a ghoul like him who's seen too much sadness for one lifetime. But Yomo knows Uta, and so, makes sure to not let the mask maker overstep his bounds, not while Yomo is taking care of Kaneki. He feels his shoulders relax, as Uta moves away from Kaneki's space, having leaned in to take in the human scent that would forever be Ken's. He sighs, and wonders why Kaneki couldn't have fallen for Touka in the first place, then probably none of this would have happened.

 

And then, there's Uta who's always been the first to know how Kaneki felt, Touka and Yomo's reactions to Kaneki's crush on him, only made him surer of that fact. Uta liked that Kaneki liked him, because he liked Kaneki too, but where Kaneki lacked subtlety, Uta preferred to be more direct about it.

 

He cornered Kaneki one night, after he was leaving Anteiku, glad that neither Touka nor Yomo were with him that very evening. He went up to Kaneki, with a smile on his lips, and asked. "I find you very interesting and cute Kaneki-kun. So, would you go out with me?"

 

Kaneki who'd barely had time to even greet Uta, turned bright red and become flustered when the last words registered into his mind. He nodded in reply, and thus Uta deemed it was time to kiss him, as to not scare Ken, he placed the kiss on his cheek, and told him to meet him here at Anteiku tomorrow.

 

Uta thinks he's glad that Kaneki wasn't a subtle person, this dating process would have taken much longer to achieve if he'd been so, and Uta's not sure he could have waited to be sure if Kaneki even felt the same. When he notices the flush coming down hard upon Kaneki's skin, he smiles, a real one, and thinks 'That's a pretty color'.

 


	3. Mercy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uta remembers the first human he ever killed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: 73. Mercy
> 
> Genre: slight fantasy, general.
> 
> Rating: PG-13 (mentions of death/murder)
> 
> Warning(s): Death.
> 
> Paring: none.

Uta remembers the first human he ever killed.

 

It had been a female, in her 30s, who’d pleaded, “Mercy. Please, give me mercy. I have children to take care of”. He remembers not caring enough, or was it caring too much that he’d brought his sword right down, and cut off her head. Orders were orders, and a life on the run wasn’t one he’d wish for anyone.

 

But as soon as he felt the sympathy begin to linger on inside his mind, he killed it. He was a soldier, and these were times of war, there is no such thing as mercy, because if she’d been in his place, Uta knows she wouldn’t have hesitated, not even for a moment. Mothers were like that he supposed, especially _Agari_ women, and as he watched the blood finally begin to stop gushing, he laughed silently at the irony. A woman, whose people showed no mercy to even children, dared to plead mercy for her own life because of her children, when Uta knows that before they were  born, she probably had murdered mothers without a thought.

 

He licked his lips, tasting blood, and smiled. ‘Well, at least karma still works’ he thinks, before going back to his horse to look for more rebels.

 

This was war, after all, there is no mercy for dead people.

 


	4. Beauty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ah, death really is beautiful” he murmurs softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Genre: general.
> 
> Character(s): Uta
> 
> Prompt: 1. Beauty
> 
> Rating: G.
> 
> Warning(s): none.
> 
> Paring: none.

Uta supposes there is a beauty to everything in this world. But he has to admit, there’s nothing he finds more beautiful than watching someone die, whether they were ghoul or human, it was nice, watching their blood spill down, like a slowly dying fountain leaking the last of its waters.

Yes, people had more beauty as corpses that were defiled by their own demise, and stained by the very own blood that kept them alive when they’d still been breathing. ‘It’s quite a sight’, Uta muses to himself, enjoying the stench of a slowly rotting corpse, while imagining the coppery taste of its blood filling his mouth, and going down his throat.  
  


He smiled, looking quite pleased with himself, as he watched the face which had contorted into an expression of horror.  
  


“Ah, death really is beautiful” he murmurs softly, while trying to quench the part inside of him that was bubbling up with glee, along with a strong need to watch people suffer so beautifully, before they died in vain, as he feasted upon their dying flesh.

 


	5. Fragile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘You’re so fragile Kaneki, oh how I’d love to see you break’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: 6. Fragile
> 
> Character(s): Uta, Kaneki & minor mention of Touka.
> 
> Genre: general.
> 
> Rating: G
> 
> Warning(s): none.
> 
> Paring: none.

“Do I frighten you Kaneki-kun? He asks, voice calm, expression neutral, as he notes the slight shivers that move along Kaneki’s skin, Uta smiles.

 

An almost cruel smile, that vanishes before wither Kaneki or Touka can notice it, as he cups the boy’s soft cheeks turning his face left and right, Uta thinks, ‘You’re so fragile Kaneki, oh how I’d love to see you _break_ ’. He lets go of Kaneki’s cheeks, and hears the half-ghoul’s soft and hesitant, “Ah, no you don’t, Uta-san.” making Uta’s insides tremble in delight.

 

He was sure by now; Kaneki was definitely a protagonist still waiting to be molded into the tragic hero who dies a very sad death, an almost meaningless one. A part of him cannot wait to see Kaneki grow, and another cannot wait to watch Kaneki’s face contort in fear as Uta tears him apart.

 

As he watched the hesitancy linger, noticing how Kaneki fingers kept drumming against his thighs, he was _sure_ this time, as he recalled the feeling of soft warm human skin. He knew that human beings were really more than just food, they were...intriguing.

 

Uta hopes this time, the ending of this story, will not bore him.

 


	6. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: 4. Haunted
> 
> Genre: angst, general (character focus).
> 
> Character(s): Kaneki, Rize.
> 
> Rating: PG-13 (for certain themes of cannibalism I guess)
> 
> Warning(s):
> 
> Pairing: none.

Kaneki still feels Rize’s teeth as they tore into his flesh, like he was raw meat and Rize a starving wild dog. The echoes of her mad laughter replaying inside his head like a broken stereo. The feel of her slender fingers as they touched his hands like she cared, - _but of course she didn’t-_ but it was Rize. Rize, ‘The Binge Eater’ whose giggles were like wind chimes, but now in his memories, they sounded like someone banging hard on gongs, leaving ripples of pain and silence throughout his head and ears. Rize, whose kindness was like the sweetest poison, and her beauty so... _picture-perfect_. Rize who was a monster, in everything, but her appearance.

 

He’s not sure if he’s supposed to hate her or admire her. He couldn’t even tell what she was, not until she’d bared her desire for his flesh and showed him her Kagune.

 

It kept him awake most nights, the twisted look of her face as she called him a fool, and he’s upset, because, Kaneki was one, a fool. He was always a fool, a sad pitiable fool whose life was meant for nothing but misery. Rize could’ve been cruel, but she’d seen right through Kaneki’s weaknesses and flaws like he’d been glass, and all the locks he’d had were nothing but dust to her fingers, for her eyes saw him for what her truly was-is, it did not make a difference. Rize knew, he wasn’t sure if anyone else did though, and if so, why stay with someone like him who’d die before the next sunrise because he couldn’t plan for the next evening? Of course Kaneki had no answer. But then again, _who really did?_ Who had the answers to why someone stayed with you, instead of finding a better option?

 

No one.

 

Because no one really knows anything about anyone, the old Kaneki didn’t know about the twisted monster that lingered behind the depths of his sad heart. He wonders if it’s because he was a ghoul, or if he’d always been a monster in human guise. He snorted, stuck between amusement at all the irony of living, and all the sadness that came with being a ghoul.

 

It’s during that very night, that he can imagine Hide’s voice telling him, “Man, Kaneki you like you haven’t slept in _days”_ and as Kaneki gazes at his reflection in the mirror, he imagines the words that thoughtful Hideyoshi will never tell him. “ _You look like you’re not human anymore”._ He smiles, a rueful smile that doesn’t hide the hollowness of his cheeks, nor the paleness of his skin.

 

It takes every ounce of Kaneki’s will to not scream out in agony, because _what is Kaneki?_ If he’s not a ghoul, not a human, where does he _fit_ into this world of humans, ghouls, and monsters?

 

He’s haunted, and for haunted souls, there is no such thing as a peaceful resolution. He may as well have been caught between the limbo of life and death, lingering between worlds no longer his own. This time, when the tears fall, they’re not warm, they’re cold, _cold as ice_ , and his sobs are inhuman, and Kaneki wonders, if maybe he was a monster after all, if all his years as a human being were lies, if him becoming half-ghoul was a new form of redemption.

 

This time, he smashes the picture frame by his bed, the one with so many memories of a dead mother, and a boy, who maybe, never truly existed.

 

‘It’s kind of sad and lonely’, he muses to himself, tugging his arms closer to his waist so he could pretend his stomach wasn’t starving for food, and that the craving for human flesh could go away.

 

Even though it’s futile, Kaneki wants to be a good monster.

 

_Maybe then, I’ll belong in this world Rize._

 

The only thing that resonates in his room is the sounds of her mad laughter replaying inside his mind, as she whispers sweetly. “Such a good boy you are Kaneki. It’s good that you’ve realized that only monsters, like you and me, can survive this ugly world.” and even softer.

 

_“You should EAT Kaneki-kun, until you’ve eaten away everything, even...yourself.”_

Kaneki just shut his eyes, and this time, only silence echoes.

 


	7. Whisper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They all sound so familiar, but Kaneki cannot even tell who they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: 12. Whisper
> 
> Character(s): Kaneki, Hide, Uta, Yomo.
> 
> Genre: Romance, Angst, slight tragedy I guess.
> 
> Rating: PG
> 
> Warning(s): fabled character death, slight hints of insanity.
> 
> Pairing: Uta/Kaneki.

It’s always 3am, when Kaneki wakes up from his sleep to hear whispers of, “I love you Ken” replaying inside his head. He can’t stop them; because that’s the only way he can remember Uta’s voice confessing his love to Kaneki.

 

And Kaneki cries because his lover is dead, and he won’t be coming back to Kaneki ever again. It kind of hurts, the finality of the fact that is.

 

On the first night Kaneki had to live with the fact that Uta was dead, he _cried_.

 

On the second, he’d repeated to himself “He’s not dead, he’s not dead, he’s not dead”, like a mantra that would never come true.

 

By the third, he’d begun screaming, fingernails dragging across his forearms, leaving bleeding gashes upon his skin. The blood had dried and trailed downwards, leaving imprints of about a dozen tear stains on his skin.

 

By day four, he’d woken up at 3am, and had begun hearing his lover’s voice play out inside his mind, like the numbingly haunting-yet-captivating melody of a music box.

 

By the fifth day, 3am began to be the hour of the night where the memories of Uta’s cool embraces and firm kisses would flood Kaneki’s mind like a gushing waterfall.

 

By day six, it had become a pattern, and Kaneki had already embraced it, like it was normal.

 

And on day seven, Kaneki no longer feels so sad during the day, his friends look so relieved that Kaneki begins to think “Maybe, I really am getting better’, both, not knowing that it was far from that.

 

It is already day forty-three, when Kaneki wakes up, but not at 3am, not at this time. He wakes at 2am, an hour before his routine, of hearing and remembering his lover’s touch - _like he was still_ _there-_ would begin. Kaneki bites his lips, feeling slightly anxious, because he’d always woken up at 3am, the change was rather odd. He wants to murmur “I love you too Uta”, like his lover could even hear him, like Uta could hug him tightly from behind and utter in reply “I know Ken, I love you too.” But despite Kaneki still clinging to this routine to go on in his daily life, he did not delude himself with the fact that his lover was coming back from the dead, that was something Kaneki _knew_ from the depths of his misery-filled heart, was never going to change.

 

And yet, as the minutes begin to tick by, the silence seems too loud, the void of darkness that fills his room seem _too big_ and ever-so _consuming._ It felt weird, like Kaneki was being enveloped by the largeness of his room, the largeness that never seemed so big when his lover used to lie by his side, arms wrapping around Kaneki’s waist keeping him warm and making him feel safe. Even breathing seemed hard, like all the oxygen his body was taking in wasn’t enough, like there was too little, and he needed _more_ , so much more.

 

He was suffocating, he realized, seven heartbeats too late, as the feeling of being unable to breathe was eating him up from the inside. And voices began to scream out.

 

“Wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!”

 

“You’re losing your mind Kaneki”

 

“He’s going crazy”

 

“Don’t you know you’re dreaming? He’s not _real_ ”

 

“Ken, what are you doing to yourself?!”

 

They all sound so familiar, but Kaneki cannot even tell **who** they are.

 

It _hurts_ , the lack of oxygen that is, and it was beginning to feel far too painful to be bear, like he was a soda can wanting to burst from all the gas inside that couldn’t settle in.

 

And when he feels himself gasping, straining to take in air, the feeling stops, and it goes away. He lets out a huge breath of air, as his lungs try to take in more oxygen, feeling so very tired, and when he glances to the digital clock on his right, the green light glares at him. 2:05. Kaneki feels worry begin to etch into his mind, he’d felt like it’s been 15 minutes or more, even wanting to go far as 30 minutes, but it was all inside his head, the sensation of so much time having passed by.

 

He closes his eyes, sees darkness, and tries to imagine Uta, but he can’t, it’s all black and when he tries to imagine something, the images goes blurry, his teeth begin to grit against each other.

 

When he opens his eyes, it’s _white_ , so white it hurts, and he closes his eyes for a moment, realizing that it’s not his room he’s in. And Kaneki wonders if he’s began losing his mind, because he was so **_sure_** he was in his room not even a minute back. But he isn’t. The walls are white, and the smell of antiseptic fills the air, he almost chokes on it. And when he focuses on the sounds, all he hears is the beeping, a beeping that sounds quite similar to a heart monitor, and he’d know because Kaneki was studying to be a nurse. He’d heard this noise many times before, but, not inside his room, only when visiting patients.

 

He looked around, and among the white, he noticed a window, with the blinds drawn shut, but through the tiny gaps he could see light trying to escape, and figured it was probably midday.

 

There’s no digital clock on his right, only a table with a water bottle, and an IV drip, this makes Kaneki furrow his eyebrows. When he turns around, he notices the large clock on the wall, and it’s on 12:45, not 2:05. Kaneki swallows, the nervous feeling in his gut spreading, and as his turn left, his heart skips a beat, because he’d recognize those tufts of messy golden-blond hair anywhere. They were Hide’s and he was face-down on the bed, probably asleep, but the question in his head is loud and filled with worry “ _Why is Hide here?! Doesn’t he have work at this time?’_

And by now, Kaneki realizes there is something very wrong going on here. And the thought that had strayed into his mind earlier come back clearer, and he wonders, ‘what if, I’ve already lost my mind?’

 

His heart starts racing, and he can hear the sound repeat even louder on the heart monitor, which causes Hide to shift his head a bit, and Kaneki to worry even more, because if Hide was asleep, then that meant he was really tired, since Hide was never one to fall asleep in public spaces easily. Kaneki knew that fact by heart.

 

The heart monitor beeps even _louder_ , and the sound is annoying, but Kaneki doesn’t stop panicking, because when he tries to remember what he did yesterday, he _can’t_ , not even the day before, or if he’d went to work. The increase of noise causes Hide to shuffle, before he’s already lifting his head, and Kaneki can feel his heart skip a beat, because Hide would tell him, right? And Kaneki doesn’t think he’s emotionally prepared for what Hide has to tell him. Not really.

 

But before Hide’s already finished waking up, the door opens in a rush, and two people enter. And he _recognizes_ the first, having worked with Dr. Yomo for more than 6 months now, but the second person, makes his heart stop for almost a minute, and Kaneki thinks he’s in shock.

 

Because that face was not a face that was supposed to be there. That face belonged to someone who was _dead_ , and last Kaneki had checked the dead don’t walk into your room, at the hospital probably, looking worried and relieved. So he screams, which surprises both his visitors, the first masking the look of surprise much quickly, but the second doesn’t, only worry remaining where there had been relief and maybe, a hint of joy.

 

Hide’s already awake now, and body positioned to sit up straight. And where there’s worry in Hide’s amber eyes, the relief and joy that fills his face is stronger, it calms Kaneki a bit, because if Hide can smile while Kaneki is screaming in shock, then maybe Kaneki can lower his screams. And before either Yomo or the guest can move, Hide is already hugging Kaneki, hands stroking Kaneki’s back familiarly, effectively calming Kaneki a bit. The grip is tight, and Hide is _warm_ , it ignites the coldness Kaneki had been feeling ever since he’d awoken in this unfamiliar hospital room.

 

“It’s okay Kaneki, relax, you’re in the hospital. And you’re not imagining anything.”

 

Kaneki stops screaming, to find that his cheeks are wet, and Hide continues, tone soft and reassuring. “You were in an accident, almost two months back, both you and Uta, and it was pretty serious. Uta managed to make it out with minor injuries, but you-there’s a pause, as Hide’s breath hitches, and Kaneki’s _sure_ Hide wants to cry-you were in a critical condition, they didn’t think you’d make it, and even when you did, you weren’t waking up. You entered a coma...” and his voice trails off, because Kaneki can tell what happened from then on.

 

He holds Hideyoshi tighter, and whispers, only for Hide’s ears, because he can’t look at that person, at least, not right now. “I thought he’d _died._ ” His voice cracks, and Kaneki can feel the fingers that had been stroking him gently, dig into his back determinedly, like Hide understood _why_ Kaneki had panicked. “For 43 days Hide...” he murmurs sadly, and at this, Hide tugs him close, “It’s alright, I understand, this happens Kaneki, it’s okay if you find it hard to believe. Despite how much I don’t want to let you go, he’s been waiting, you know? Every day, he visited, worried you were gonna wake up and he wouldn’t be there, I know, because well,” and at this Hide sounds embarrassed, which causes Kaneki’s who’s been burying his head on Hide’s shoulder to smile, “I was here every day too”.

 

The soft breathing coming from Hide’s body, along with his calming heartbeat, makes the insistent loud beeping of the heart monitor drop into slower and steady beats, that weren’t as loud.

 

And when Hide slowly pulls away from Kaneki, the grin on his face is so cheeky and bright, Kaneki laughs relieved, because no one but Hide could make him feel like everything was going to be okay. His fingers tremble as he lets go of Hide’s back, but Hide’s hands are holding his forearms, keeping Kaneki stable, and when Kaneki’s gaze lingers to Yomo, Yomo and _Uta_ , his heart skips a beat, his cheeks turns a warm shade of pink, and Kaneki feels tingles all over.

 

Uta is alive, he registers, and then it hits him hard, cause the fact turns into the belief, _Uta is alive_. And he starts crying again, but this time, his smile is bright, because honestly, Kaneki is so fucking relieved, and before Kaneki can blink again, Hide is already up, and Uta is there, touching Kaneki, he’s cold, and dressed in black, as usual. And he looks so beautiful, that Kaneki just sobs, because his lover is _alive_.

 

Uta is pressing his fingers up to Kaneki’s cheeks, cupping it gently, and it tickles, so Kaneki giggles slightly. He feels the relieved sigh escape Uta’s pierced lips, and leans into the touch, lifting his left hand that wasn’t attached to the IV drip, to grasp those slender fingers, and hold onto them.

 

He says it softly, because he still can’t believe it, and he’s so worried that maybe he really has gone insane, and Uta’s not actually there.

 

“I love you.”

 

It’s a soft whisper, and if it weren’t for the sweet smile that graced Uta’s lips, Kaneki would’ve been sure that he’d uttered it much too softly to be heard.

 

“And I love you too, Kaneki Ken.”

 

Kaneki blushes, because it had been a while since he’d seen Uta talk, hear his voice come out from his actual lips, and _oh_. Uta’s already leaning in to steal a kiss, and it feels wet, soft, and tasted like oranges. Kaneki smiled into the kiss, already feeling the familiar flutter of butterflies running amok in his stomach.

 

And Kaneki’s sure he’s never felt so glad in his life.

 


End file.
